If diamond commercials have taught us anything, it’s that all a man has to do for love is get down on one knee, pick out the perfect ring, and propose. And you should totally do it in public with a bunch of strangers watching—because what’s she gonna do, humiliate you by saying no and ensuring you must endure agony for the rest of your life, waking up in the middle of the night just to look out at the darkness for an external representation of what you feel like inside?
And when that happens, it feels a little something like this:
…which I gleefully watch with sick fascination. Not to kick a person when they’re down, but ye gods, I must have restless leg syndrome (it’s a real thing, Sharon!). Failed, garishly overdone marriage proposals are to the Internet around Valentine’s Day what “football to the groin” was to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
“Can we talk about this later?”
So wait, the host of this show allowed Mike to come up and grab the microphone, and he hadno idea what Mike was going to say? This guy is…really bad at his job. It’s called pre-screening, dude! That’s why all talk show hosts have seamless transitions at the ready, like “So I heard you just back from Saigon,” and, “Elbows?”
But Bobby Bones has no care for your rules—he is Sparta! Thus the actual proposal, which backfires, makes him do this:
That is the look of a man with a vision—a vision that in five years, he will have produced television so powerful, it makes its way to Funny Or Die. You’re welcome, Bobby from the past. Enjoy your Beyonce in 2008, because you’ll never hear from her again.
“(Not So) Sweet Caroline”
Silly man! You can’t find love in a food court! Only diarrhea. And an elderly woman in a wheelchair enjoying the action. The diarrhea action.
The inner monologue of the snow cone vendor:
“Snow cone! Snow cone! Just another REGULAR day selling snow cones! YOU want a snow cone? YOU want a snow cone? THIS GUY wants a snow cone! Walking on over to him to deliver a snow cone! He’s gonna love my snow cone! [slap; girl runs away] Oh no. Oh. No. Wow. Oh no. He’s crying. This feeling I have…sympathy? We are all united. I am here. He is here. His pain is my pain. The Earth is large. We are small. But together. Huh. Huh…huh. Snow cone! Snow cone!”
“I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Further proof that love is a lie: Even when a man is brutally rejected on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show, just pretend like she said yes. Hark! Those Christmas bells at the end are a harbinger of truth. My teacher says that every time a bell rings, an angel dumps her boyfriend and peels off her credit card for an eHarmony account!
“I’m just waiting once for the gal to say no”
I signed up for the News 10 text message alerts, and I just got this on my phone:
“Lucky Houston Rockets fan enjoys leisurely stroll with giant teddy bear. And a routine castle inspection gone awry—you’ll never guess what they found in this man’s buttress. All this and more, tonight at 10.”
“(Me And) God Only Knows”
I can think of 121 better dancers this poor schlub could have hired on his quest to not seal the deal. Or, just get this guy to do this: