Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 46-year old divorced male and single parent of 3 children. I have a very good female friend who has been my friend for about 13 years. I have seen her through one failed long-term relationship with a good male friend of mine, and approximately 6 months ago she separated from her husband of 3 years (my wife at the time and I both attended the wedding). Since my divorce, she has been a big help in assisting me with the 3 kids…she is my contact person and the person I can count on to be there for the kids in the event I am unavailable (my ex-wife lives in another state but has the kids every other weekend).
My dilemma is that over the last couple of months I have developed romantic feelings for my female friend, but I don’t know if she views me as anything other than a good friend. We’ve never had any conversations or interactions together that have ever been anything other than platonic. However, years ago my ex-wife accused me of having a romantic interest in my female friend, which at the time were not true. Unfortunately, because of that, it put a strain on the friendship between my ex-wife and my female friend but my female friend and I continued to be friends with each other against my ex-wife’s wishes. My ex-wife felt that our continued friendship violated her trust in both of us because in the beginning all three of us were very good friends but the two of us became even better, closer friends. Thus, she began to feel that she was the third wheel and no longer included in some of my activities with my female friend which made her uncomfortable. My ex-wife still doesn’t really care for her because of that, but she wants me to be happy with the person of my choosing.
Conversely, my ex-wife and I are very good friends now, which we were not during the course of our marriage. In fact, she even gave me advice regarding what I should do (tell her but be prepared that it could possibly jeopardize the friendship irrevocably), and she gave me the information about your site and suggested that I post my question to you for your sound and unbiased opinion (she is an avid fan of yours, reads your column daily and bought your book).
My female friend comes over all the time and sometimes spends the night (but always sleeps on the couch even though I have always offered to give up my bed for her to sleep in – by herself of course!). We hang out on occasions and attend clubs together. We have a lot in common and get along great most of the time, however, she is very demanding and has a very quick, very hot temper. I have been a witness to her cussing out her former boyfriend and ex-husband. She also goes out of town a lot and when she does, I am the person who pet-sits her dog, which I don’t mind…plus, the kids love the dog.
Recently she asked me what I thought the kids should call her…Miss or Aunt? She says she considers me family and I have never felt any sexual vibes from her to me, but then again, she is very good at masking her feeling. Is it possible she could be attracted to me as well but doesn’t want to jeopardize our friendship? I am curious about why she spends so much time at my place, and of course I hope it’s because she likes me romantically but is perhaps too shy to be the first to say so.
So, please give it to me straight no chaser. Should I tell her or not? And if I do tell her, what do you suggest would be the best way of going about it? And if you advise not telling her, what should I do about my romantic feelings that have developed for her? – Mr. Fair Weather Friend To The Very End
Dear Mr. Fair Weather Friend To The Very End,
Hmmmm, a woman you’ve been friends with for 13 years steps in to help you with your children after you divorce, she is your emergency contact for your children, she spends the night at your home, you two hang out, you have a lot in common, and you dog-sit at her place when she’s out of town. Uhm, yeah, she wants you. And, yes, the feelings you’ve developed for her are the same feelings she has for you. She’s just waiting on Big Head Lumpkins (that’ll be you) to make a move. (Side bar question: Are you really that slow that you don’t recognize a woman who is pursuing you?)
But, I get where your failure to compute sexual assertion and the subtle pursuits of a woman’s attraction retardation stems from: Your ex-wife! You do you realize that you’ve put your ex-wife’s personal issues and concerns ahead of your own. The entire letter is about your ex-wife, and how she will be upset if you start dating the friend. She even accused you of having romantic feelings for the friend. And, you’re over there so concerned with what your ex-wife (and the operative word is “ex”) thinks that you’re trying to disprove to her what she already knows and have suspected all along. You’re allowing your wife to dictate who you can and should date. In other words, she is in control of your life and relationships. Your ex-wife is still holding your d**k and balls. I’m just saying.
If I were you I would tell your ex-wife that she better get a hobby or find her some business and stay out of yours. Who you date and who you sleep with should be no concern of hers. There is a reason she is your “ex.” And, the only thing the two of you should be discussing is the welfare and well-being of your children. Chile, she lives in a whole other state and she’s trying to dictate to you from hundreds of miles away what you can and cannot do because her feelings will be upset. Really? Really! LMBAO! You really are special. Why don’t you just give her your d**k. You’re not using it.
And, doesn’t she have a man? Isn’t she living her life and doing her own thing? Is she reporting to you who she’s dating and sleeping with? Until she starts paying the bills in your home, put you on a salary, and paying the car note then she needs to pump her brakes and slow down. Stay out of your lane and find her own lane.
I love how your ex-wife gave you a compliment with a backhanded slap. She says she wants you to be happy, but if you date the friend then you’ll jeopardize your relationship with her. WTF! You can’t give someone conditions on wishing them happiness. Either be happy for them or don’t.
Now, let’s get to you and your romantic feelings for your friend. Man, can you let your nuts hang and stop coupling them in your tighty-whitey’s. I know you’re crushing your nuts. The woman is flaunting around you and your children, and she’s laying up in your house. Ba-by, what are you missing here? Are you that scared of your ex-wife (again, she’s your ex) that she put the fear of God in you to not recognize when a woman is making a move on you?
The woman has already integrated into your family. The kids obviously have taken to her. She’s a fixture in your home. What are you missing here? You better lay it on her and stop being scared of your ex-wife (again, she’s your ex).
You want to know if it is possible that she could be attracted to you as well but doesn’t want to jeopardize your friendship? Yes, she is attracted to you and doesn’t want to jeopardize your friendship because of your ex-wife is hovering all over the house like a buzzard. She’s afraid that your ex-wife will swoop in and start some drama, or she’ll make your life pure hell if you two start dating. Think about it, when you go out with your friend I’m sure you’re the one who brings up your ex-wife and no woman wants to hear a man constantly talking about his ex-wife. And, you even said that when you hang out sometimes that your ex-wife feels like a third wheel. WHY THE HELL IS SHE HANGING OUT WITH YOU TWO? Chile, the woman probably feels like you are still clung to your ex like a cheap piece of polyester. So, she is waiting on you to make the move. LET YOUR EX GO!
But, I want you to keep in mind that your friend is still married. Although she is separated from her husband, they are not divorced. So, technically you will be involved with a married woman. Now, before you consider telling her about your romantic feelings you should consider that she may reconcile with her husband. Or, even if she does get a divorce, is she ready to be involved in another relationship, and with you? There is a lot to consider because even if she does get a divorce there is still lots of aftermath she will have to deal with like mentally and emotionally getting over her soon-to-be-ex-husband, and any financial responsibilities they have together. She needs time to heal before she jumps into another relationship.
I’m also curious as to why is she spending the night at your house. Doesn’t her husband question her whereabouts? If they are separated, does she have an apartment or has her husband moved out of the house? I mean any outside person looking in on your situation would wonder why this woman is staying at your house, yet she is married, but you two are not doing anything. Inquiring minds want to know.
Now, you asked if whether or not you should tell her about how you feel. Before you say anything you need to find out where she is in the process of getting a divorce. Have an authentic conversation with her about her feelings for her husband and why they are separated. Hopefully she will reveal to you her desires to either reconcile with him or if she is in the process of getting a divorce. And, you need to know if she’s emotionally and mentally healed from the relationship, as well as spiritually. You don’t want to inherit a woman who is still tied to her ex-husband and then you discover they are still sleeping together, or she hasn’t fully let him go, or he hasn’t let her go, i.e., like your ex-wife who is still actively involved in your life dictating what you do. BOOM! BAM! POW!
My suggestion to you is for you to start dating. You need to test the waters with other women. I know you are feigning to get some wet-wet. Chile, you walking over there with blue balls. You better get out there and explore your options. Find women who are available emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And, I know you haven’t been out on a date because your ex-wife is hovering around sniffing and leaving her mark around the house and dictating who you can and cannot date. And, then you have the friend who is also marking her territory and is a permanent fixture in your house like some stone statue perched on the lawn. Any woman you bring around will wonder why these two women, whom you claim you’re not sleeping with, are holding prominent space in your life. Do you have the time and capacity to date a third, fourth, or fifth woman? Can you handle dating other women while your ex and your friend are around? You can explain your ex-wife, but how are you going to explain about your friend who is sleeping over you house, hanging around, and you spend quite a bit of time with? Yeah, I don’t think any new woman will be that understanding, and she won’t be too accommodating with having your friend lingering around. So, before you reveal yourself to your friend why don’t you try dating first and see how it goes. Trust me, there are plenty of beautiful, smart, intelligent women out there who would step in and be a great partner. And, by the tone of your letter you’re looking to get laid. So, get your d**k and nuts from your ex-wife and go get you some good loving. And, tell your ex-wife I thank her for supporting and reading my column, and for getting my book. I got love for her. At least she knows something right by giving you advice to write in. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!