Finally, 2012 is over. No longer do we have to hear about trash like Argo, Django, and Lincoln. Ugh, just win all the Oscars already and move on, since it’s time to get excited about all the garbage that awaits us in 2013. Take a look.
A Good Day to Die Hard
When It Comes Out: February 14th
Who’s In It: Bruce Willis, Russians
Why You Should Look Forward To It: Remember that time you filmed your grandfather trying to get up from a chair (What, how do you interact with YOUR grandparents?). This will basically be that, but with more explosions and catchphrases. But the same amount of expletives and distaste for Russians. It also comes out on Valentine’s Day, so you’ll have something to do if your date hates love and is yourself.
G.I. Joe Retaliation
When it Comes Out: March 29th
Who’s In It: The Rock, C. Tatum
Why You Should Look Forward To It: It’s a sequel to a movie nobody saw, which means it’s going to be extra good. Also, after becoming 2012’s It-Boy, more Channing Tatum scenes were added after production wrapped. Since Channing Tatum looks like God forgot to click “Preserve Aspect Ratio” when creating him, anyway, digitally placing him in previously Tatum-less scenes seems like a no-brainer.
Place Beyond the Pines
When it Comes Out: March 29th
Who’s In It: Ryan Gosling, Swooning
Why You Should Look Forward To It: For all we talked about him in 2012, Ryan Gosling was not in a single movie (unless you count the repeated viewings of The Notebook andDrive GIFs). 2013 is set to change that and up the Gosling factor, which is direct proportion to the lady-boners that pop up anytime he releases a film.
When It Comes Out: April 12th
Who’s In It: Harrison Ford, a Black Guy
Why You Should Look Forward To It: It’s a look at how Jackie Robinson became the first African American to break baseball’s color barrier. But from what we can tell it’s told from the perspective of Dodgers owner Branch Rickey (Ford), meaning it’s a movie to make white people feel good about no longer owning slaves. Great job, all around.
When it Comes Out: April 19th
Who’s In It: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman
Why You Should Look Forward To It: The story of an engineer cleaning up the remnants of a post-apocalyptic earth, it’s pretty much a remake of WALL-E, but instead of a cute robot, it stars Tom Cruise, an aging robot.
Pain and Gain
When it Comes Out: April 26th
Who’s In It: Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Michael Bay’s sweat/tears/likely semen
Why You Should Look Forward To It: Pretty sure the world was actually set to end on April 26th because this film is made by Michael Bay and it looks decent? I can’t believe I just wrote that, but alas it’s the truth and now I have to go kill myself. Bye forever.
Iron Man 3
When it Comes Out: DON’T ACT LIKE U DIDN’T MARK IT ON YOUR ICAL ALREADY
Who’s In It: DON’T ACT LIKE U DON’T KNOW
Why You Should Look Forward To It: DON’T ACT LIKE U DON’T WANT TO SEE IT
The Great Gatsby
When it Comes Out: May 10th
Who’s In It: Leonardo Di Caprio, Tobey Maguire, That Girl From Drive
Why You Should Look Forward To It: It’s directed by Baz Lurhmann, who made Moulin Rouge, a movie you claim to like despite it being the most obnoxious fucking thing in the world. But this time it’s scored by Brooklyn Nets owner, Jay-Z.
Star Trek Into Darkness
When it Comes Out: May 17th
Who’s In It: Chris Pine, Zach Quinto, Bennedict Cumberbatch
Why You Should Look Forward To It: Because you’ve begrudgingly acknowledged that the Star Trek movies have blown away anything George Lucas has done since he realized his movies lent themselves nicely to plastic dolls and money he could spend on shirts with extra large neck holes.
Man of Steel
When it Comes Out: June 14th
Who’s In It: Henry Cavill, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Amy Adams
Why You Should Look Forward To It: Because you’re a Superman fan who’s been waiting 30 years for a suitable follow-up to Superman II and oh fuck it, nobody will ever be better than Christopher Reeve. Let’s hope Christopher Nolan didn’t Nolan this thing up. Ooh, a gritty Superman. Fuck this, I’m gonna watch that scene in Superman II when Clark goes back to the diner and kicks that guy’s ass for no reason other than he has super human wittiness.
World War Z
When it Comes Out: June 21
Who’s In It: Brad Pitt
Why You Should Look Forward To It: Brad Pitt fights zombies. I find this plot hard to believe since Angelina Jolie is not listed in the credits. BOOM ROASTED JOLIE.
When it Comes Out: October 11
Who’s In It: TOM HANKS
Why You Should Look Forward To It: I have no idea what this movie is about, just that it stars Hanks and is directed by Paul Greengrass (the Bourne movies). OBVIOUSLY TOM HANKS HAS TAKEN OVER FOR JEREMY RENNER AND IS A SPY WITH LETHAL SKILLS SIGN ME UP, FANDANGO.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
When it Comes Out: November 22nd
Who’s In It: Jennifer Lawrence, The 13 Year Old Girl Sitting Next To You in the Theater