The Three Biggest Problems with Drunk Texting
Quick! Put Your Phone Away!
Posted by Demetri Raftopoulos for Bounceback.com
Waking up in the morning after a long night of kicking back vodka sprites, beers, and taking shots of Jagermeister, the first thing we do, besides reach for our Gatorade and turn on ESPN to watch the same highlights on SportsCenter twenty-eight times, is reluctantly grab our phone and check who we shamefully texted or called the night before.
No matter how hard we try, it happens. We can bury it deep down in our pockets besides the lint and gum wrappers, but somehow, it forces its way out by some means of a drunken magnetic pull. If only we could give it to someone else to hold. Well, we can…but we don’t.
Here is a look at all the interesting, hilarious, foolish things we do with our phones during our trips down inebriation lane.
1. Booty Call
A Rolodex suddenly appears in front of you and you scroll through it like your showing a flip book to a little kid. Luckily, you paid attention in kindergarten and know the ABC’s. Luckily, no matter how drunk you are, your phone becomes your own personal Rolodex and everybody’s name is alphabetized for you.
Yes, when we’re drunk, we get horny and do our best to find someone to share the nightcap with. There is like a USB chip plugged inside of us, uploading a program that triggers the libido and unleashes all the pheromones.
So we flip through our electronic Rolodex, cast out our reel, praying to whoever is up in that sky that something bites or that someone is awake at this absurd hour in the night. And once we get to Z, if nobody accepts your drunken, romantic offer of sex at three in the morning, we either start over and flip to the beginning or accept defeat and slip into our drunken states of senility.
2. Late Night Munchies
If our sexual needs are not met, our other animalistic needs become number one priority. A little bit of booze in our system turns us into insatiable creatures as we throw out common courtesy and basic, appropriate human behavior.
We pull up to the drive thru’s no matter how long the line is. Nothing soaks up the alcohol better than Taco Bell at four in the morning. Also, nothing tastes better. Nothing feels worse the next morning, though. Regardless, we don’t care. It’s the only thing on our mind. If Taco Bell is unfortunately closed, before we stop traffic and the world ends, we sit down at the diner and order half of the items on the menu.
And if all else fails and the diner is also unfortunately closed, you pick up your phone, Google the nearest Domino’s and order six pies, toppings with the works, four orders of cheesy bread, and three boxes of chicken kickers. In that sense, it would have been smarter to keep our phones in our pocket, and wake up with an empty stomach instead of one filled with artificial flavor.
3. The Ex Factor
We can drunkenly chase the boys and girls all we want, knock on their door and beg on their doorstep. We can drain the battery on our phone as we search for the Holy Grail. We can get carpel tunnel syndrome from typing away. Our stomachs can hurt all they want the next morning. Our heads can shake back and forth for hours, regretting the incalculable amount of food we consumed the night before. We won’t even regret the sex. We were drunk.
The one cardinal sin one can commit is calling or texting an ex-signific That, my friends, we should regret. But it ant other.happens and no matter how much we say we are never going to do it again, we still dig deep into our pocket and dial the number to the devil. In our moments of vulnerability, sauced up, hungry, and horny, they always manage to make their way on our minds. That’s fine. Think away.