All right, I feel like I should set this up by stating that for me, a straight male, Brad Pitt in Fight Club is the epitome of man hotness. Followed closely by Tyrese Gibson and Hugh Jackman — both of whom are living proof that we are not all created equal.
Also, Tom Daley is a child and Ryan Lochte is goofy looking. And that’s all I have to say about that. So let’s get started.
1. David Beckham
Logan: Beckham is so good looking it hurts and he can style his hair in any way imaginable, which makes me very jealous.
Matt: Beckham is the obvious number one male sports hottie. Mostly ‘cause he’s British. Also ‘cause he’s an underwear model. And he always wears really tight pants. And he’s a dad. So this one’s too easy.
2. Tom Brady
L: Tom Brady is just a well-put-together man. I’m sure his bathroom is filled with many expensive gels and creams.
M: Tom Brady is a God among men, so this is 1000% accurate. I’m even willing to overlook his sloppy oversized bow-tie because his face is literally the perfect face.
3. Matt Kemp
L: Kemp’s smile makes me smile. He also has really nice skin, and I’m a big fan of his facial hair. He knows what he’s doing and I like that.
M: I don’t know who this is, but he looks perfectly nice, I guess, and his face is pretty and fuzzy.
4. Derek Jeter
L: Another great smile. I’m a sucker for that. And you can tell he smiles a lot by the wrinkles near his eyes. Or maybe that’s from playing thousands of games in the sun and squinting. Either way, he’s a handsome man.
M: Derek Jeter wins for his beautiful eyes and face and teeth and skin and head.
5. Thom Evans (a retired rugby star)
L: If you told me Thom Evans was an A-List actor, I would believe you. And then put him on my list of hottest actors.
M: Never heard of this man, but DAMN. I just want to caress his beautiful jaw line and rub my face against it.
6. Fredrik Ljungberg
L: Fredrik Ljungberg has a Jason Statham quality about him. Like, if we went out to dinner or something, I know I’d be safe walking in a back alley with him.
M: I also don’t know who this is, but he’s pretty hot, in a you-look-like-you-might-murder-me-any-minute kind of way. If that’s your thing.
7. Andy Roddick
L: Some people say I look like Andy Roddick. Okay, nobody says that, but if they did, it would just make my day.
M: Oh, man. Andy Roddick is like that guy you lived next door to and you guys used to hang out as kids and you fell in love with him but never told him and you just had to watch him grow up and get hotter and hotter and he’d play tennis all the time and everything was just perfect but then you went to college and never saw him again but you still cherish the memories. Ya know?
8. David Oliver
L: David seems like he’d be a great wingman until all the ladies fall for him, and you’re left alone asking, “Hey, what are you guys laughing about?”
M: David seems like a pretty cool bro. He could probably throw me violently across the room, because of those arms. Those beautiful arms.
9. Cristiano Ronaldo
L: Ronaldo is hot, but in an annoying way. That opinion might stem from my ex-girlfriend’s massive obsession with him, but who knows? I’m no psychiatrist and I was nowhere near a Holiday Inn Express last night.
M: THE ONLY THING ANNOYING ABOUT CRISTIANO RONALDO IS THAT HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME.
10. Reggie Bush
L: Straight up, Kim Kardashian is a fool for not sticking with Bush. I hope you’re happy, ya friggin’ idiot. I’m sorry, that was mean. Enjoy motherhood, KK.
M: If Reggie survived Kim Kardashian, he’s man enough for me.
11. Kelly Slater
L: Looking into his eyes is like looking into the prettiest ocean in the world. If he still had his hair, he would easily be a top three candidate.
M: Honestly, Logan seems more into Kelly than I am. Maybe it’s ‘cause his name is Kelly. Or maybe it’s because he sees something in those cat eyes that I don’t. I’ll let you have this one.
Kelly Slater (with hair)
L: See what I mean?
M: Touché.
